contemplations

i wish i were more…myself

i’ve been in the process of writing this post for a while now but the first sentence keeps alluding me. so now that THAT is out of the way, here’s the meat: i’ve moved back to houston and the experience has been… indescribable. I have been happy, happy, happy and then suddenly, really lost and reclusive. It seems that i can’t shake this gloomy London cloud hovering over my head and as i’ve struggled with this the past few months, i’ve decided to throw myself back into a professional career at the University. I officially start on Monday and as I spend the last few days …as a recluse, i am so excited and then beyond nervous …what if i can’t juggle these rolls successfully?What if i simply can’t juggle at all?!  Which ball will i have to drop ….how will i manage to stay “ON” for 9 hours a day and then still come home with energy and mindfulness? But then i’m really excited…this has to be the most exciting career choice i’ve ever made but then what if i end up loving it more than my family? 

The irony of getting older is that no matter how much insight and wisdom you achieve with each year, the grown-up problems and internal struggles you tackle with grow alongside. I feel more timid about walking into new situations and miss my audaciousness more than anything else….and as i embark on my old new life in houston, i wish i were more myself because i don’t k now why, as i’m happily enjoying the beautiful sunny summer and autumn months with my loved ones, something always just yanks me out for a brief moment, and i’m walking all alone through frigid london wind again. so yes, i wish i were more myself lately.

 

 

2 thoughts on “i wish i were more…myself

  1. URGH! Just wrote a long comment and it just disappeared! What I was saying was that it’s tough to go through so many changes in the past year or so, and it’s difficult to get your bearings. Give it time and things will fall into place. And about your job, don’t worry about it too much — it’s okay to love your job just as much as you love spending time with your family. Maybe even more. But as long as you have your heart filled with love – there’s plenty to go around! xx

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